I don't even know why I'm crying.
If it is because I'm tired, then everyday I guess I would cry?
If it is because I can't handle it anymore, then everyday how can I survive?
But deep down I know that I don’t have any purpose anymore. I don’t have any willing or the spirit to keep alive. Everyday just passing by like I’m just wasting my time waiting when is the day to come for me to an end.
I don't know what I'm suffering,
I have something that people called home, I have well paid jobs, I have few good friend who willing to listen, I don't have any troubles to fulfil my daily needs, I have a really great co-worker, a really great bosses, I think if common people see I have a good life that some people might envious about.
But at what cost?
I'm just tired. I am way too tired in a stance where I am too afraid of attachment. I am afraid. Way too afraid to enjoy any emotion.
Never finished my Netflix series till last episode, Always brought stuff in exceeds amount, to just gave me the feeling of reassurance that it never leave me and always have reason to comeback with it. I realise that I am this lonely?
Either I'm lonely or I'm tired. In this world full of lies and presumption, isn't it cruel how many people might feel this emptiness?
I always try to dodge my feeling. I always keep a distance with any emotion. Happy, sadness, worries, anything… I dodge them all and act like I don't care.
And yes, I don't really care about life anymore but I also don't want to experience those troublesome emotion who leads me to several condition. Either I will become happy or sad. I don't have energy left to felt those. Too tired.
I know I am just run away with my life. Run away with my true feelings, run away with my condition. I just want to live in a quiet place. Nothing to burden, nothing to take care. Where I can enjoy the emptiness without worrying "what should I do in the future?" because I don't mind my future.
Everyday is just me escaping reality and doing my bare minimum with my responsibility. Because if I don't do those responsibility, the more trouble might come burdening me.
I don't pursue happiness. I just want to be in a quiet place, no minds to wander, nothing to feel, nothing to worry. Where is that place? is there anything like that?
through afterlife and beyond, is there any place for me to experience that? I am a sinner. No where I could escape to justify what I have been done.
And I realise, I just have no where to go.
Disincline between life and death.